Lessons From My Life | Man’s Broke Init…

Posted by: Saschan Fearon

Broke

Adjective: nonfunctional, in need of repair.

Rural usage, derived from past participle and/or the past tense of verb to break.

Usually used to refer to previously functioning machines which no longer work correctly.


 

I was actually inspired to write this post when I was writing something else.

I say this allllll the time when I’m talking to my friends and we’re trying to make low budget big dream plans but I said it in my head the other day when I was writing about living with endo and the host of other reproductive health problems I have (cue entrance from fibroids, adeno and uterine polyps) and it really got me thinking about shit.

Man’s Broke init… and I don’t just mean financially. There are days when I genuinely feel like my body is broke, my spirit is void of funds, the bank account of my emotions is seriously overdrawn. I’m trying desperately to walk the tightrope between paying the bills my body tries to collect from me like the bailiffs at 8am on a Saturday morning and being able to enjoy the fun things in life like sex, wine, sport (read sex), being sociable with people whose faces I actually enjoy seeing, eating cake and not having to worry about the post indulgence inflammation, sex. You know… just regular everyday stuff.

But I AM SPENT. I mean almost totally. Some days i’m in bed by 7:30pm like a pensioner on a week night but I’m not up at 5am making porridge and listening to classic fm. I’m still fighting with my dreams (which are pretty wild in case you were wondering) and my body to wake up and be productive and by this point I’m probably late for work.

I shut myself off and my body forcibly shuts me down. Got a date? Not today bitch! Got work to do? a Business to build? Nope we’re on an intermission. Got any life plans at all? Err.. who told you that you were the Queen of this here castle?

 

I am trying to navigate the world and my life on my own terms but I perpetually feel like I’m fighting with the only vessel I have to travel in because I’m not a malevolent spirit and can’t just take a host body because I’m not getting along with the one i’m currently inhabiting.  It’s exhausting living with chronic illness, anyone who is existing within a body they cannot fully control, or understand, love or fully manage will tell you the same thing. It is exhausting and some days I AM SPENT.

It reduces your quality time with friends, family and partners because you’re generally limited by the reserves of energy you have stacked up in your bodies physical bank account. When you’re not too bothered by that here comes focus and capacity to collect the rent on thinking, mental stimulation and you know just general enjoyment. Often the people around you don’t fully understand that you’re constantly in debt to the unknown forces of your ill health and that trip to the park will be collected on later, probably when you most need to be active or focused. Like I said Man’s broke init.

So if I don’t come out when invited, don’t stop inviting me places just understand that I can’t physically afford to right now even though mentally I’m there cutting shapes with you. If I don’t return your messages for a few days (read weeks, months but not quite years unless I don’t like you) it’s not because I’m being rude (unless I don’t like you) but it’s tax season and my anxiety isn’t giving me a rebate. If I seem distant or aloof, I’m trying to be present but the body bailiffs are calling and I don’t know how to lock the doors (or windows) and unlike financial crisis there’s no-one I can call on to bail me out. There’s no option to re-pay later.

So like I said.

Man’s Broke init and I’m currently trying to work out a monthly installment plan so bare with me while we cut to an intermission.


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