The things I want the most out of life are outside of my control.

I really believe that when you live your life staunchly following your purpose everything will fall into place around you. It’s as if the universe is just waiting to cradle you in it’s arms . To envelop you in peace and happiness. We all just want to be loved and the universe loves us back when we’re true to ourselves.

So I try to live my life this way, being true to my heart and following what I feel my purpose is, supporting other women with reproductive health problems to build communities, learn how to love themselves and manage their conditions effectively and provide you with safe digital and physical spaces to be honest about all of the shit you’re going through and how you’re navigating your journey because this stuff is important. It’s our lived experience, we can’t run from it and there’s no shame so we shouldn’t feel pressured into not talking about it. We’re human, we’re superhuman and superheroes are unapologetic and we should be too.

Not all heroes wear capes, most of us are wearing super absorbent maxi pads and carrying a spare pair of knickers in case we can’t find a toilet quick enough and piss ourselves , or as the more conservative adverts on the back of motorway toilet doors describe it ‘bladder leakage’…. It’s incontinence I’ve said it now -IN-CON-TI-NENCE. There you go, no shame in it and the NHS estimates that between 3 and 6 million people in the UK suffer with it so welcome to the club we’ve assigned you a lanyard and a month’s supply of pantyliners!

To top it all off we’re probably carrying enough opiates that you’d think we’re starting a reproductive cartel.

My point is sometimes we just have to light a match and set shit on fire and see what we can mould from the ashes and that is scary but it’s also wildly liberating. Letting go of the control is freeing but what about when it’s not?

Not All Fun & Games

There are times when it’s not, when letting go is crippling, like when you’re trying to get pregnant or trying to plan fitting a miniature human being into your life plan 7 years 2 months and 6 days earlier than you wanted to because you know… nature and the seemingly looming threat of infertility which you’re convinced is stalking you like a hungry lioness preying on a gazelle. I don’t want to be a gazelle. When did I stop being the lioness?

What happens then? When you’re caught between a rock and a hard place (wink wink). What do you do when you want to let it all go, just set fire to the plan you had for your life, throw caution to the wind and just see what happens. When you want to burn all the luteal phase wall charts and ovulation planners and period tracking apps and self help guides and just see what happens?

It’s scary but it’s always scary but what about when it’s ‘Are You Afraid of The Dark’ a la 1998 level scary? When letting go makes you feel like a prisoner in your own life because really you’re a control freak who feels like her body is her enemy at the best of times and is undeniably convinced it is plotting against your plans of conception at worst. What do you do then when you can’t control that?

If you’re me then cry and eat excessive amounts of ice cream chased with Aldi’s finest Organic Pinot Grigio (which is light & crisp with fruity notes & retails around £5.99 in case you were wondering*).

The feelings of hope, confusion, anguish, excitement that you get when you think you might have done it this time. You might actually be pregnant. This might be the time. You’ve done everything right. Cervical mucus is clear and stretchy, ensured you’re within your fertile window, eaten healthy and genuinely tried at your yoga and meditation this month? Check. Those feelings are indescribably weird and wonderful but what’s worse is the feelings you get when  you take that pregnancy test and it’s negative.

That’s when the real shit starts coming to the surface. When you don’t know how to feel or what to think or what to try next because quite honestly you’re exhausted.

Wild Thoughts

That’s what sets in WILD WILD WILD

You’re devastated but didn’t realise how devastated you would be.  Sad but don’t know how to cheer yourself up. Are you relieved because your life isn’t going to completely change because you’ve got the added pressure and responsibility of another human being and some days you can just about remember to feed the cat? Are you ever so slightly thankful because truth be told you weren’t ready to give up the 6 hours of sleep you’re desperately trying to cling to getting each night in between toilet trips and inflammation. Are you sure you want this? Are you sure you don’t want this? Do you even know what you want anymore? Does anyone have the number of a Stork?

(I’ll pay the extra for home delivery. Girl, Boy, Non gender conforming, I don’t care just bring me a tiny human to love and nurture and give the world to. Wait who is this and what have you done with my mind?)

Everything is agonising and you can’t control it. You can try to create the Atlantis of fertile bodies. But just like the Fairground Saints sang ‘you can’t control the weather’. That ‘Not Pregnant’ sign which pops up on the overpriced, brand of at home kit you bought makes you feel like someone poured petrol on your emotions. But you can’t set a match to it and watch it burn out a few hours later. It simmers in your brain and your heart, in your ovaries, in places you didn’t even know existed, places you didn’t even know could simmer. It slowly bubbles away and you can’t control it and that’s hard when you’re used to being the head woman in charge kicking ass and taking names but your biology is controlling you.

It’s difficult to just let it burn, to just let go and see what happens but sometimes it’s the only step your control freak, micro-manage-my-life-to-death-personality can do to find peace. The second guessing, the doing an extra 2 pregnancy tests because the Not Pregnant message could be wrong (you read the instructions it clearly says NOT 100% accurate so you should really try at least one more) that’s the stuff that will f*** with your head and with your peace. It will plague you, and haunt you and stalk you and you will obsess over it to the point of anxiety attacks. That stuff is shit and you’re a lioness not a gazelle you deserve peace. Be a lioness, go get your gazelle and have peace for dinner not hunger.

* I didn’t get paid to write that. I just really like their wine. They also do an Organic Prosecco ( in case you were wondering) * shurgs *

If you can relate why not share this pitiful post with a lady in your life, or just share it because the wine recommendation is great (just saying)