“Please stop asking women when they are planning on having children”

Saschan Fearon  |  28th Oct 2020

We previously wrote about October being a time of reflection for those who have lost a baby and experienced miscarriage. Tahnee a young black woman from South London shared her story of experiencing a miscarriage during lockdown and the lessons she wants others to consider when supporting someone through a time of grief, loss and change.

In the final part of Tahnee’s story she explores how she is feeling 5 months after her loss and how she found her support system.

Writing this was actually harder than I thought, I thought a this point It would be easy to share but it is just as raw as it was before

5 months on

It’s funny because after it took some weeks to gather myself I found myself going out and drinking a lot. And THIS brought every emotion that I thought I had dealt with, right up to the surface. I wasn’t alone and I just want to say thank you. Thank you too;

– My therapist For allowing me to be the only person to come into her office following my miscarriage (as it happened during the pandemic lockdown) – she was the first and only person to hug me, it was as if she felt I needed it. At the time it made me feel very vulnerable and this wasn’t a feeling I was used to so found it very uncomfortable but it was oh so necessary. I crossed paths with this person for a reason, it wasn’t just about the support, but more the belief she has in me & my character.

– My friend for letting me cry, uncontrollably in her car for 3 hours. She listened we spoke, she listened again and I hand on heart don’t know what I would have done without this special human

– My friend Who was patient with me while I basically ignored her because she reminded me so much of my pregnancy, I knew she was hurting too and this made it even harder for me to communicate with her, maybe because I felt as though I caused her pain

– My friend who knew nothing but still found the time to check in on me until I was ready to speak and then reminded me of how many good moments we still had left to share & since then we have developed a really special bond.

– My friend who I don’t see very often at all who really did share her wisdom and positivity and who has told me I can use her platform to share some love to other black women who may have had a similar experience. You really have become one of the most important people in my life

– My cousin who left a small care package outside my front door, even though I insisted I didn’t want anything. You might never truly understand how much I appreciated that because I needed it believe me.

– My friends and family who understood when I couldn’t attend their special events just because I wasn’t feeling up to it.

– My parents who were extremely understanding/ patient, let me know they were there but waited until I was ready to come out from under the rock I had been hiding under. Knowing they were missing me around was tough, but I really had to make sure that I was okay with smiling again.

– To those who later found out and told me about their similar experience, you didn’t have too and I appreciate that may have been hard for you too. You let me know that I wasn’t alone and inspired me to write something down for other people too.

Writing this was actually harder than I thought, I thought a this point It would be easy to share but it is just as raw as it was before.  But I am thankful that I am able to share my experiences and I am even more thankful for the relationships that I have strengthened through such a difficult time.

I really do salute my sistrens because without you this would have been a million times harder. And if you are reading this and have had a similar experience, I salute you also. You are a solider.

P. S – Please stop asking women when they are planning on having children, you don’t know what they may have been through and you don’t know what kind of trauma you’ll be triggering.